Getting Back Together (In the most backwards way possible)
by Shiva-J
Summary: How does Artie ranting to Mr. O'Neill about the aliens ensure that Daria, Jane, and Tom will get back together during college? Read and find out...


**Getting Back Together (In the most ass backwards way possible)**

"Oh goodie the pizza's here!" Timothy O'Neill cheered as the doorbell rang.

As he headed to the door he did feel another stab of sadness, after all it had only been a month since Janet had died.

It was a tragic irony that she had been hit by a runaway Bus; filled with Nuns.

O'Neill opened the door and gave a nice happy smile to the nerdy pizza delivery guy and got his money ready.

"Pizza!" Artie said without need, "Now hurry up and pay me! Cus the sun's gone down and that's when the aliens like to capture me!"

"...Aliens?" O'Neill asked with a tilt of his head, trying to comprehend this random bit of babble.

"You don't know about the aliens!" Artie yelled in terror and rushed into the apartment and slammed the door and locked it.

O'Neill was unable to respond, he tried but Artie just clasped a hand to his mouth.

"Don't make a sound!" He hissed, "They can hear you!"

_'Ohhhh dear...'_ O'Neill thought as he was dragged into the madness.

_Three and One Half Hours Later_

"...and then the skin gets _really_ tight in the summer, and especially during storms, since it's need water to survive!" Artie droned on and on.

O'Neill wanted to hold his head in his hands and cry, but for some reason Artie had tied up him and stripped him naked, wanting to make sure that he wasn't an alien in disguise.

O'Neill was pretty sure that this was going to be a long night...

*Beep! Beep! Beep!*

"Oh noooo!" Artie screamed as he looked at an antique looking pager, "I've been fired again! It's those damn aliens dammit!"

He then threw the pager at the wall and fell into his own crying fit and grabbed O'Neill and held him.

"At least you understand me, right?" Artie whined through his tears.

O'Neill could only make a muffled affirmation, since he had been gagged with his own socks.

But his body then did something that made absolutely zero sense, to him at any rate.

"...Oh what's this?" Artie asked as he looked down at O'Neill's... woo woo.

"UFO!" Artie screamed at random even as his head went down, down, down...

Outside of O'Neill's apartment there was a loud moan of pleasure that could be heard across a large portion of Lawndale.

* * *

_Boston, A Week Later_

As she had settled into dorm life at Raft, Daria was missing Jane since she wouldn't be in town until January, but her new co-ed roommate was proving to be entertaining in his own right.

"I have to admit Daria," Terry Wicklemore said as they sat in front of the tube together, "Sick, Sad World really _is_ a reflection on the decay of Western Civilization."

The show in question then came back on and to Daria's bemusement, they had Artie back on.

"And now you know the identity of the Alien Love Goddesses Leader," the announcer said to Artie who nodded, "Could you reveal her identity to the viewers?"

"It's a him!" Artie crowed, "And he installed brain implants just behind my eyeballs, so he could use me as a spy! Plus it makes my synthetic skin all itchy and he made me lose my job!"

"You heard it here first!" the interviewer said with a firm nod, leaving Daria and Terry wondering if she really believed her own bullshit.

"And here's a picture of the Leader with his minions!" She added.

Daria raised an eyebrow, wondering if they really _were_ that dumb at Sick, Sad World.

Then the image appeared on the screen and her eyes became as large as dinner plates.

Terry laughed.

"Wow Daria," he said with an evil smirk, "I didn't know that you were an Alien Love Goddess. Can you give a brother some tips?"

"Shut up." Daria protested weakly as she took in the horror of seeing herself and Jane in those ridiculous outfits again.

And right behind them, standing taller and with more muscle than in real life was her old English teacher, Mr. O'Neill.

The phone rang and Daria knew who it was even before she answered it.

"Jane?"

"Daria," Jane said from all the way back in Lawndale, "Can that rich friend of yours pay some thugs to kill a certain psycho abductee?"

"I'll ask." Daria replied before setting the receiver down and told Terry about Jane's request.

"Maybe..." Terry replied with a dragged out drawl, "But you'll both have to do something for me."

"What?" Daria replied, genuinely curious since Terry was as Gay as the 1800's.

Terry just gave an evil grin and Daria _feared_.

* * *

_A Few Days Later..._

"I can't believe I'm doing this." Jane complained as she and Daria stood near the entrance to Daria's dorm, waiting for their date to show up.

"You wanted Artie dead not me." Daria replied with a shrug just as it opened to reveal their mutual ex-boyfriend, Tom Sloane.

Who had flown all the way to Boston just for this night.

He wore a sleek suit and tie and smirked at the matching slutty pink dresses that Daria and Jane were wearing and offered both arms to his lovely ladies...

_Three Hours later..._

Terry stood outside of his and Daria's room and grinned as he listened to the brutal and loud sex going on within.

"I knew that would get them back together." Terry said with a cackled befitting an evil genius before turning around and leaving for his own evening of hedonistic pleasure with a certain abductee from Lawndale...

(lalalalaLAlala...)

**FIN**

* * *

_Note: Terry Wicklemore is borrowed from Roentgen's Daria fanfic 'The Hallowed Halls of Fielding'. All other characters are from canon._


End file.
